submissive… but not to you

 Trigger warning (sexual abuse/non- consent/violence)

Her: Don’t put yourself in that position anymore
Me: Don’t put myself in that position denotes that I could have prevented it by being what…clairvoyant. Damn my lack of ESP now I just have PTSD. Why wasn’t I born a Betazoid!?

For reference the “position” was a date with someone that I had spent time with over the course of a month. Conversations were had, striking similarities discussed, laughter shared, vulnerability experienced.

He told me about providing for his entire family and I finally invited him in for a cup of coffee when we don’t even have a machine.
I don’t want sex, I say. I want to be clear about that okay. I’ve had an incident recently and I just can’t right now.

Don’t worry… I don’t want sex either he says with a gentle smile

I’m at ease

There was confidence in his touch. The kind that comes from being in your mid twenties and arrogantly assured that every porn you watched was correct and every person you slept with told you the truth when asked

Was it good for you?

Confidence turned to instance, a hurried rush, a painful crush, a hard bite that I was not prepared for

Me: Hey!
Him: I like to bite. Was it too hard for you? I thought you said you were submissive.
Me: I am but we haven’t negotiated anything.
Him: I’m Dominate and that is all you need to know
Me: (eye roll of life) Dominate eh… don’t confuse all the freaky sex you had with dominating someone darling. That can be a whole different game.
Him: I’m dominating you right now.
Me: No you’re not you don’t even know my safe words.
Him: If I did I would not listen to them
Me: (pushing him away and standing) And you can leave now.
Him: Why you going to be like that?
Me: Because you aren’t worthy of the gift of my submission
Him: Your submission is something I will take. You can’t give it to me.
Me: (laughing at this nonsense) You can leave no-

I’m against the wall. All 6’2 of him pressed against me. One hand grabs my hair and he bites again into my neck way too hard intentionally trying to leave a mark. He is telling me how he is going to take what is his. How he is going to make me his.

When I push him off I see excitement
I see pleasure in being cruel but before I can open my mouth he has his hands around my throat and he is squeezing
And then he lays the dumbest piece of R&B nonsense on me that I have ever heard and if I was not in fight or flight mode I would have laughed again

Him: Girl you so fine… I am going to put a baby in your belly right now.
Me: Stop!
Him: You’d like that huh. Your belly and tits getting big off my child
Me: Let me go!
Him: I’m going to fuck you. ( I start to see stars)

That is when I claw his face. He rears back to …retaliate. I let him know that my Dad is pretty handy with a gun

Jesus did you think I was going to rape you? I wasn’t going to rape you! He shouts
Get the fuck out of my house! I shout back

That night I dreamt of walls. I was building them through sheer force of will and something is pushing against it but I build another and another so that nothing will get inside.

When I wake the next morning my voice is gone, my head is bursting and I know the energy I spent building those walls was real because I can not stay awake. I have to lock myself in the bathroom and sleep on the concrete floor for 15 mins just to make it through the day. Every muscle aches like it has been ripped through to be made stronger. And when I look in the mirror, when I see my own eyes something is missing and something else has replaced it… something has changed.

I’m angry about this change even though it was past time that it happened.

What happened to me is nothing in comparison to what has happened to me in the past or what happens everyday to women that you know.

It happens in the kink world and outside of it. Women’s boundaries not being respected and when they are stepped or ripped through it is considered a “miscommunication”

I realize that a month or so earlier I would have been more gentle in my refusal. But the last of my softness was spent on a man who grabbed the back of my head and came in my mouth despite me saying no fluid exchange, despite me trying to physically pull off.

This “miscommunication” triggered weeks of regressed self harm behavior and has resulted in therapy bills. I’m angry about those bills. It cuts into my rhinestone habit.

So let’s be real clear about your “miscommunication” issues boys

Miscommunication = You wanted but did not want to get told no
Miscommunication = Your played out overbearing privilege
Miscommunication = A goddamn violation

I will defend myself against your miscommunications. With knees and teeth, with nails and words. I will release your name to the world. I will draw circles of salt and chalk while I dance and spit and lay a rotten root at your doorway if you ever cross me or mine. Don’t mistake my softness for stupidity or
my submission for something you can roll over and use.

Trained
and trained well
but not for you

Never for you.

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